Both are doing their best.
And still end up in the same patterns, again and again.

One pattern I encounter particularly often:
both partners locate the responsibility for change in the other person’s behaviour.
“Things will get better once you change.”
That sounds logical — and it leads to a deadlock.
Both are waiting for the other, and both feel helpless at the same time.

An important step is to make this dynamic visible — and to support each person in taking responsibility for their own feelings. That begins with having a language for feelings at all.
And that is less common than one might think.

What partners say to each other is often not feelings — but interpretations.
“I feel controlled” sounds like a feeling, but it is a statement about the other person.
“I am afraid” is a feeling. That changes everything.

The same applies to wishes.
“I want more trust” — but what does that mean in practice? What would need to happen for you to feel it?

“More spontaneity”, “more appreciation” — these are words everyone understands and no one means the same way.
Part of the work is translating these abstractions into something concrete.

Sometimes it is about learning to listen to each other again —
without immediately evaluating what is said.
Sometimes about giving old injuries space that never had enough room.
Sometimes about understanding what we bring from our families of origin —
what assumptions about relationships we hold as given, without ever having chosen them.
.
Sometimes about finding spaces for togetherness again —
and conditions under which closeness and intimacy become possible.
That too is part of couples therapy.

In the best case, both partners want to change something.
Sometimes it is only one of them who is suffering more acutely.
Even then, a shared conversation can be worthwhile.
The willingness to look honestly at the situation is enough